Conversations with Kids: Why Some Kids Believe They Can and Others Don’t
For parents and guardians where we give you prompts so that you can have more meaningful conversations with your children to help them build key characteristics such as mental toughness, resilience, confidence, creativity, focus and so on.
A Questions for Your Kids
When something feels hard in sport, do you think ‘I will give this a go’… or ‘this is too much for me’?
Ask them to rate themselves from 1–10 and explain why.
Directions for Parents
This question matters because the emotional part of a child’s brain is developing faster than the thinking, problem-solving part so when something feels hard, it often feels overwhelming, even if they have the ability to cope.
By asking this gently, parents help their child put words to their sense of life control whether they feel capable or powerless which is the first step toward building confidence, resilience, a “can do” attitude and better decision-making especially when faced with pressure.
Improves:
- Self-Esteem
When children believe they can influence what happens, they make braver choices.
- Decision-Making
When the “can’t do” attitude kicks in they play things safe, avoid mistakes and stop taking responsibility.
Further Directions for Parents
- Notice when your child says “I can’t” that’s usually fear or overwhelm talking, not lack of ability.
- Help them break big tasks into small, manageable steps so things feel doable rather than daunting.
- Praise effort, trying, and learning not just goals, wins or results.
Your job isn’t to push your child harder it’s to give them the support and structure that helps them believe they can try.
Ideas for Kids
- Write one small goal before each session (that relates to the process NOT outcomes, results or winning)
- Pick one thing you’ll try today
- At the end, ask “What did I learn?”
Small wins build big belief.
Helpful Resources
>> Read: Book Review – Thinking Fast and Slow – Daniel Kahneman
Some Final Thoughts for Parents
As children move through their pre-teen and teenage years, their emotions often feel bigger than their ability to manage them. That’s not a flaw it’s part of how their brain develops.
When your child says “I can’t,” they’re usually not talking about their ability… they’re talking about how overwhelmed they feel in that moment. What they need most isn’t more pressure, but someone who can help them slow things down, make sense of what’s going on, and remind them they don’t have to get everything right straight away.
Every time you listen, break things into smaller steps, and encourage effort over outcomes, you’re quietly helping your child build a stronger sense of “I can cope.” And that belief is one of the most powerful gifts you can give them in sport, in school, and in life.
If you would like to share your experiences as a sports parent or get insights regarding kids sport psychology, you may also wish to join David in The Sport Psychology Hub.
You can also join our online community – THE SPORTS PSYCHOLOGY HUB – for regular Sports Psychology tips, podcasts, motivation and support.
Best Wishes
David Charlton
Global Sports Psychologist who is located near Newcastle Upon Tyne, UK and willing to travel Internationally. David also uses online video conferencing software (Zoom, Facetime, WhatsApp) on a regular basis and has clients who he has supported in the UK, UAE, Saudi Arabia, Australia and New Zealand.
Managing Director – Inspiring Sporting Excellence and Founder of The Sports Psychology Hub. With over 15 years experience supporting athletes, coaches, parents and teams to achieve their goals, quickly.
