Conversations With Kids: Helping Children Feel More in Control

This is a powerful question because children often experience strong emotions before they fully understand how to explain them.  When something goes wrong in sport, many youngsters quickly focus on the outcome or on things outside their control.  Which is completely normal.

But if you can help your child reflect on their response, rather than just the event itself, you begin to support:

• better emotional awareness
• stronger self-regulation
• a healthier sense of agency

This doesn’t mean ignoring disappointment.

It means helping children notice that even in difficult moments, there are still things they can do.

Improves

1. Emotional Control

When children learn to pause and reflect on their response, they begin to handle frustration more effectively.  They may not be able to stop every feeling that pops up, but they can gradually learn what helps them respond in a calmer, more useful way.

2. Sense of Control

Focusing on behaviours rather than outcomes helps children feel more in charge of their progress.  And kick those helpless feelings to oneside!  Instead of feeling that a situation in their sport is something that just happens to them, they begin to realise they can influence what happens next through where they place their attention and through the decisions they make.

Further Directions for Parents

If your child gets frustrated when things don’t go to plan:

• Stay calm and avoid rushing in with solutions
  • Acknowledge their feelings first
  • Gently move the conversation towards what they did or could do next
  • Focus on behaviours, effort, body language and choices rather than just results

Helpful follow-up questions when things are calm might include:

• “What did you do well even though it was hard?”
• “What helped you keep going?”
• “What could you try next time if that happens again?”
• “What was still in your control?”

These kinds of conversations help children understand that setbacks are part of sport and that they still have influence in those moments.

Ideas for Kids

Next time when training or a match feels difficult, try this:

• Stop and take one slow breath
• Pretend to blow a butterfly away from your lips gently
  • Ask yourself: What can I do right now?
  • Choose one helpful action, such as:

• communicating more
• working hard to get back into position
• staying brave after a mistake
• focusing on your next job

Afterwards, reflect:

• What was hard?
• What did I do well?
• What helped me regain control?

Small moments like this can make a big difference over time.

Helpful Resources

>> Listen:  Ep 312 of The Demystifying Mental Toughness Podcast with Dr John Perry – How Sport Coaches Shape Mental Toughness

Some Final Thoughts for Parents

When things don’t go to plan, children often need more than advice they need reassurance, patience and space to think. In those moments, your calm presence can make a huge difference. By helping your child shift their attention away from blame, frustration or unfairness and back towards their own choices and responses, you are teaching a powerful life skill. Over time, these small conversations can help your child feel more capable, more emotionally steady and more confident in handling setbacks. And that matters not just in sport, but in school, friendships and life more broadly.

Frequently Asked Questions About Helping Kids Try New Things in Sport

How do you encourage kids to try new things in sport?

Encouraging children to try new things in sport starts with creating an environment where learning feels safe.  Kids are more likely to experiment when parents and coaches focus on effort, curiosity and progress, rather than expecting everything to go perfectly. Open questions such as, “What did you notice when you tried that?” or “What might you do differently next time?” help children reflect without feeling judged.

A good starting point is to encourage one small experiment at a time, so challenge feels manageable rather than overwhelming.

Why is experimentation important for children?

Experimentation helps kids develop creativity, adaptability and problem-solving skills.  In sport, children rarely improve by staying only with what already feels safe. Trying different solutions helps them learn how to adjust under pressure, respond to setbacks and become more independent performers.

Experimentation also supports the challenge pillar of the 4C’s model of Mental Toughness, because it teaches children that uncertainty can be something to learn from rather than something to avoid.

How can parents help children build confidence through challenge?

Parents can help children build confidence through challenge by praising behaviours, courage and learning, rather than focusing only on results.  Questions such as “What helped you keep going?” or “Where were you placing your attention? “ guide children towards the things they can influence. This helps confidence grow from within, rather than depending only on winning, praise or external approval.  Over time, these small experiences of handling challenge help children develop stronger belief in themselves.