Book Review – How to Talk So Teens Will Listen in Sport

Why This Book Matters in Youth Sport

In conversations with many parents and coaches I often hear:

• “I’m only trying to help, but they won’t listen.”
• “They get defensive whenever I mention their performance.”
• “They know what they should do but they don’t do it.”
• “They just shut down or get angry.”

Sound familiar?

What Faber and Mazlish highlight so clearly is that teenagers don’t stop listening, they stop feeling heard.

In sport, this is amplified. Feedback is constant. Evaluation is public. Mistakes are visible. And for young athletes whose identity is tightly linked to performance, how adults communicate matters just as much as what they say.

The Struggling Young Athlete: A Common Picture

From my work in the past decade at Inspiring Sporting Excellence, many 12–16-year-olds who are “struggling” in sport are not lacking ability. Instead, they are often experiencing:

• Heightened self-criticism after mistakes
• Fear of letting parents or coaches down
• Emotional outbursts or withdrawal
• Loss of enjoyment
• Avoidance of difficult conversations
• Fluctuating motivation

Well-meaning adults often respond by:

• Giving more advice
• Explaining harder
• Pushing for solutions
• Reminding them of sacrifices made

Unfortunately, this usually increases pressure rather than reducing it.

Key Principle 1: Acknowledge Feelings Before Fixing Performance

One of the core messages of How to Talk So Teens Will Listen is simple but profound:

Feelings need to be acknowledged before problem-solving can begin.

In sport, adults often skip this step.

Example:

“You’ve just got to be more confident.”
“There’s no need to get upset, it’s only a game.”

To a teenager, this can feel dismissive, even if the intention is supportive.

A sports psychology-informed alternative:

“That looked really frustrating for you.”
“It seems like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself.”

This does not mean agreeing with negative behaviour.  It means recognising the emotional experience first which calms the nervous system and opens the door to learning.

Key Principle 2: Why Lectures Shut Teen Athletes Down

Faber and Mazlish explain that lecturing triggers resistance, especially during adolescence when autonomy is developing.

In sport, lectures often appear as:

• Post-match breakdowns
• Car-journey debriefs
• “Let me tell you what you did wrong” moments

For young athletes already replaying mistakes internally, this can feel overwhelming.

Instead, consider:

• Asking open questions
• Letting silence do some work
• Allowing teenagers and young athletes to reflect before responding

Example:

“What did you notice about how you handled that situation?”

This approach builds self-awareness, a cornerstone of mental toughness.

Key Principle 3: Autonomy Builds Confidence

A recurring theme in the book is helping teens feel capable and trusted, rather than controlled.

In youth sport, confidence often erodes when athletes feel:

• Over-directed
• Over-analysed
• Constantly corrected

From a psychological standpoint, confidence grows when young people feel:

• Ownership
• Choice
• Responsibility

Practical shifts for parents and coaches:

• Involve athletes in goal-setting
• Ask what support they want
• Let them lead parts of their development

This aligns strongly with Self-Determination Theory and long-term athlete development principles.

Key Principle 4: Words Shape Identity in Adolescence

Teenagers are forming beliefs about who they are.

Comments like:

• “You’re too emotional.”
• “You don’t handle pressure well.”

May be absorbed as identity, not feedback.

Faber and Mazlish emphasise describing behaviour rather than labelling the person.

Sport-specific example: Instead of:

“You always panic under pressure.”

Try:

“That situation looked tough, what do you think made it harder?”

This protects confidence while still allowing growth.

When Sport Becomes Emotionally Heavy

Many young athletes struggle not because they don’t care but because they care very deeply.

This book reminds adults that:

• Emotional reactions are information
• Anger often masks fear or disappointment
• Withdrawal is often self-protection

From a sport psychology lens, emotional literacy is just as important as technical skill.

Parents and coaches can support this by:

• Normalising emotions
• Modelling calm responses
• Avoiding shaming language

This creates psychologically safe environments where learning can occur.

Listening as a Performance Skill

One of the most powerful takeaways from the book is the reminder that listening is an active skill.

In sport, listening might look like:

• Not interrupting emotional expression
• Reflecting back what you hear
• Resisting the urge to “fix” immediately

For example:

“It sounds like you’re worried you’re falling behind.”

This does not mean removing standards, it means strengthening the relationship that allows standards to be met.

Advice for Parents: Supporting Without Suffocating

If your child is struggling in their sport:

• Stay curious, not critical
• Separate performance from worth
• Focus on effort, learning, and enjoyment

Remember: your child needs you to be a secure base, not another selector or judge.

Advice for Coaches: Leading Through Communication

Elite youth coaches are powerful communicators often without realising it.

Small changes can have big impact:

• Tone over volume
• Questions over commands
• Dialogue over directives

Teen athletes don’t need perfect words they need felt understanding.

Final Reflections

How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk is not a sport psychology book yet it may be one of the most useful resources for anyone supporting young athletes.

Its principles align beautifully with what we know about:

• Adolescent development
• Mental health
• Motivation
• Confidence
• Long-term performance

If we want resilient, confident, self-aware young athletes, we must first create environments where they feel heard, understood, and respected.

Because when teens feel listened to they don’t just talk more.  They learn, grow, and perform better too.

For further details read on or tune in here!

>> Listen: How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will with Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

>> Read: How To Talk So Kids And Teens Will Listen Collection Adele Faber 5 Books Set

>> Read: Conversations with Kids – A Parents Guide On Communicating With Teenagers