Words of Wisdom – Collective Insights on Mental Toughness

Host: David Charlton, Sports Psychologist and Mental Toughness Practitioner

Key Themes:

• The power of self-talk and internal narrative
• Authenticity and being true to yourself
• Building your board of directors (real and imaginary)
• Self-awareness as the foundation
• Embracing vulnerability and recognizing trigger points
• The myth of multitasking and the power of focus
• Fear as fuel rather than limitation
• Creativity and trust in performance
• Understanding motivation as a cycle
• Learning from mistakes and obstacles

On Self-Talk and Internal Narrative

Speaker: I think the first one is just recognizing that besides God, if you believe in God, the most important person you’re ever actually going to talk to is yourself. We all create a story, a narrative in our mind. Well, how about making it a good story and an empowering story and being more mindful and aware of those kinds of conversations?

Ask yourself the question: “Hang on a minute, who’s in charge—the thinker or the thought?” Well, it’s the thinker. So you can influence your thoughts. So I’d say that’s a big one.

On Self-Development and Purpose

Speaker: The self-development piece and recognizing a passion for it and having a purpose—it just doesn’t happen. You’ve got to be really, really intentional and you’ve got to work hard at yourself.

On Authenticity and Being True to Yourself

The Journey to Self-Acceptance

Speaker: Be yourself. Be true to yourself. I think it took me a long time to get to that place of knowing who I was, being happy in my own skin. I suppose constantly looking for affirmation in the early part of my career, doing things that I shouldn’t have done to get acknowledged, to get seen, to get recognized. Building up a business by cheating and by going around it the wrong way, by being someone I wasn’t, by trying to be different people—it really got me into a sticky place, which I’ve briefly touched upon.

The Importance of Knowing Who You Are

So the importance of being true to yourself, knowing your identity, knowing who you are, who you were created to be, what you stand for, knowing what’s important in your life—it will all come together under that one thing of being true to yourself.

Not Everyone Has to Like You

And it doesn’t matter if people don’t like you. So what? Who cares? It’s not for someone—it’s not their—it’s their issues. If they don’t like you because you’ve been yourself, then that’s their issues, their problem. They have to deal with it.

I think so often we try to appease, we try and adapt ourselves, we try and adapt our personality to fit in with the environment that we’re in. But actually, stuff that. If the environment is different and it doesn’t fit with you, don’t go and try and be someone you’re not. Don’t try to fit in—round peg, square hole, whatever it is. Don’t try and be someone you’re not. Be authentic. Authenticity is incredibly important.

Shallow-Minded People

And that doesn’t mean—if you don’t—it doesn’t matter if people don’t agree with what you stand for. We will have different beliefs, we will have different opinions. And I think the shallow-minded will exclude you, will delete you, will mute you, will defriend you. Be true to yourself.

On The Discouragement Club

Speaker: Make this decision: If you’re currently a member of the discouragement club, you’ve got to agree to quit the discouragement club. And if you’re not currently a member, you’ve got to agree never to join.

And I think as long as you stay away from the naysayers, the discouragement club, the people who give you good reasons not to do something, you’re probably halfway to achieving whatever it is you want to achieve.

Everyone Is Brilliant

And every single person listening to this podcast is brilliant. They’ve proven it in many, many different ways. And I don’t accept when people say, “My circumstances are different. I don’t have the same academic qualifications. I don’t have the same background or experience, or I’ve only been in business five minutes.”

We have already proven multiple times how great we are as human beings. We just have to rediscover it, go through that process—one foot in front of another, maintain a little bit of balance—and we’ll achieve those outcomes again.

On Building Your Board of Directors

Bravery Can Be a Weakness

Speaker: Bravery can be the biggest weakness in the world. Thinking that you can do it by yourself because you’re brave and you’re independent and you’re strong—that’s an error. Knowing that strength is being able to reach out and talk to people, find people, try people, and build this web of mentors, coaches.

A Powerful Concept from 30 Years Ago

I remember I went on a seminar—cheapest—30-odd years ago when sports psychology and psychology was just kind of starting out, really. And also self-development was just starting out. I went on this two-day course in Glasgow with this guy who was part of the Olympics. He was a mental coach for Steve Redgrave at the time.

And one of the things that he talked about was building a board of directors. And that board of directors—some can be real, some can be imaginative, some can be somebody you can touch, some people who you can’t.

My Imaginary Board

And I thought that was a brilliant way of kind of building your group, even if they don’t exist. So on my group, I had my grandfather and I had Plato. So I had people from thousands of years ago. I had Rocky Balboa. And I used to turn to these people.

It’s funny because later in my life, I met Sylvester Stallone and stuff like that. So it’s funny how things happen. But then I talked—I had this conversation. I said, “Sylvester, you—but not Sylvester Stallone.” I said, “Rocky Balboa was on my board of directors. And if I needed motivation to go out for a run in the snow or in the rain, I would sit down and I would talk to my board of directors. And I would talk to Rocky and he would say, ‘Come on, if you want to win, you’ve got to go out for that run.'” And then I would put my jogging gear on and I’d go off for my run.

Creating Your Own Board

If kids can’t find the coaches or the psychologists or this or that, there’s nothing stopping you from making them up in your own mind and creating your imaginary board. Because not everybody has the money to afford a psychologist, an S&C coach, a high-profile golf coach. But what everybody can do is create an imaginary board of directors, and you can sit down with them when you go to bed at night. And you can think about it and you can talk to them internally and they’ll give you answers.

I think that all great people have some form of board of directors that they can talk to.

On Surrounding Yourself with Wisdom

Get the Right People Around You

Speaker: Get the right people around you. Get people that have maybe walked this journey already to counsel you, to be accountable to, to talk to. When men and women have gone through stuff in their life, they have life experience, they have answers to situations, solutions to situations that you may face or you may be facing.

Seek Out Wise Leaders

So surrounding yourself with a great council of wise people, great leaders, men and women. I’m not talking about great leaders that we have to then start to go after politicians and those that we know and recognize as leaders, but those locally maybe, those people that we recognize that have worn and got those battle scars, that have gone through so much that we can learn from.

Be Bold and Reach Out

And it’s just to ask questions, just absorb, just to be in their presence, to put yourself out and go and meet up with them. Be bold, be courageous in reaching out and say, “I want to know more about your journey. I want to have lunch with you. I want to have dinner with you. I want to go out for a drink with you to find out more about this and that. You’ve written a book. I want to come and talk to you about your book.”

The Response Will Surprise You

And you’ll be surprised at the response. “I’d love you to come.” Because in essence, when people write books to aid others and to help others develop, it’s because they have a message they want to convey. They have gone through stuff themselves and they want to add value to your life and they want to share what they’ve gone through and to see that impact you.

So I think when you put yourself out, when you make those calls or send those emails to people that you possibly couldn’t even imagine getting in front of, the response is amazing.

A Personal Example

And I reached out to a chap I heard on a High Performance podcast because I really resonated and connected with his story, about what he’s doing. And I said, “Right, he may be slightly famous, but I don’t care. It’s not about—I don’t see that as an issue. I want to get to know the real person. I want to get to know their story. I want to hear what they’ve gone through. I want to understand it because I want to know how I can get better at what I do, because they’ve already achieved that. I want to learn.”

On Balancing Helpful Traits with Mental Health

Speaker: The importance of identifying when some of these helpful character traits bubble over into something more distressing or concerning, and the importance of keeping an eye on that. Because we know that we need these character traits—we need to be obsessive, we need to be a bit masochistic, we need to be a bit aggressive in high-performance sport—but it’s keeping an eye on that and making sure that they don’t bubble over into something that starts to cause distress or impact upon our personal lives, relationships, jobs for some high-performance athletes.

And if that is the case, then recognizing when you might need to see a professional about that.

On Self-Awareness

It’s Not Black and White

Speaker: Know yourself. And knowing yourself is not beating yourself up because you’re not one thing or the other. It’s all shades of grey. So yeah, we talk about mental toughness. The other end isn’t weakness, it’s sensitivity. Most people lie in the middle. So find out what you are and develop the other areas because it helps.

Understanding Your Response to Challenges

I think self-awareness is the big one. We all face challenging times. I need to understand, and everybody needs to understand, what it is about them that causes them to hold back or to be confident about dealing with those challenges.

You can see people all around you responding in different ways. And the reason for that will be some aspect of their mental toughness. Some things stop people in their tracks, and the next person, that same thing doesn’t seem to make a difference. We can explain that difference. We understand where it is. And if you can be self-aware, you stand a chance of doing something about it. If you’re not self-aware, you’ve got very little chance.

On How You Spend Your Time

Speaker: I think how you spend your time is so critically important. We develop a skill set to deliver our roles day to day. We identify a little gap in our skill sets that we want to develop. But how much time do we spend actually on ourselves to develop as well?

On Stress and Suitability

Speaker: If you are not suited to this, then do yourself a favor. I like a bit of stress and pressure in my life. And so if I don’t have it, I probably create it. Some people, therefore, may be in the wrong environment—unsuited to it. They may be better suited to a different environment. So I think that’s important—just have a little bit of reflection.

On Focus: The Myth of Multitasking

We’re Designed to Unitask

Speaker: For those of you that are action-biased, you know what? We weren’t actually designed to be multitaskers. It’s a myth. Multitasking is a concept that was created to describe how computers operate. They’re meant to multitask. We’re meant to unitask.

The One Thing

So if I can just say one thing: Just prioritize one thing that you really want. Give that your full attention. There is a great book—you’ll have read it too, David Charlton—about “The One Thing.” It really focuses on that concept of not getting distracted by shinies. All your other great ideas can sit in the waiting room.

David Charlton and I have a wonderful business coach who taught us lots about the waiting room being a great place to store all your other great ideas, but just stay focused on the one thing you want.

Dream Big, Act Small

Have moonshot goals, dream big, but for goodness’ sake, act small. Focus on the one thing and give it your full attention.

On Being Present

Enjoy the Moment

Speaker: It’s important to stay in the moment and enjoy those moments. Because when you’re thinking too far ahead or you’re stuck in the past, you forget to enjoy the present. And actually there’s a lot in that being present and grounding and finding peace that will help you get to where you’re trying to go.

From Cognitive to Affective

When we’re present-minded, it’s a feeling. And I think there’s a real skill there in being able to try and transition from that sort of cognitive level of “here’s what’s happening”—which is normally rooted in the past or the future—into making that an affective state. It becomes more of a feeling, which means you’re feeling present.

It’s hard to not be present when the thing that’s kind of engulfing you at this moment is an affective domain, a feeling, an emotion.

On Process Over Outcome

Speaker: Focus on the process, not on the outcome. I think too many of us worry about the end game instead of worrying about the steps we need to take to get there. The end game will always take care of itself if you get the process right.

On Embracing Fear

Fear as Fuel

Speaker: Embracing fear is something extremely powerful. If we learn to embrace fear, see it as “false evidence appearing real,” and we use that as a fuel, as a platform, we can go on and achieve great things. Because fear cripples us—can cripple us if we allow it to.

Don’t Let Fear Consume You

Fear can get in the way of everything that we do. If we listen to the wrong voices, if we listen to the wrong things, if we listen to the things on the media and news, if we allow fear to become all-consuming, it will stop us growing and reaching our full potential.

Harness It

So use fear. See it, recognize it. It’s there, it’s not going to go away. But overcome it by using it, by speaking to it, by embracing that and saying, “Right, I’m going to use you and I’m going to harness you and I’m going to take and turn that around and use that for my benefit. It’s going to move me forward.”

On Our Shared Humanity

Speaker: Just get people to recognize that we are all human. We’re not machines. And even the person who intimidates you or impresses you the most still has their struggles, their self-doubts, their stories. And recognize that. It’s just that some people are better at hiding it than others. So recognize we’ve all got our struggles and self-doubts at times.

On Vulnerability as an Asset

Know Your Trigger Points

Speaker: Connecting with vulnerability—I think this is just one of the greatest assets that we can all have. What are our trigger points? We do this in physical health. We have physios looking at our athletes to say, “What are their physical vulnerabilities? Where is the imbalance in strength? Where is the physical injury concern or point of vulnerability?”

Mental Vulnerability Matters Too

And I think that we’re missing something here with psychology and mental health. We should be doing the same with our athletes with regard to their psychology. So what are their points of vulnerability?

Do they have an overly critical or punitive narrative towards themselves? And if that is the case, then we need to recognize that. We need to increase insights into that. And we need to support the athlete to start to question that at times.

Being Self-Compassionate

So was it helpful for me to be critical at that point? Was I overly critical? Am I taking this too far now? Do I need to be compassionate towards myself at this point? Because actually that’s quite unhelpful. So I think the importance of connecting with vulnerability and recognizing those trigger points.

On Taking Care of Yourself

The Myth of Bulletproof Mental Toughness

Speaker: As a priority, you need to take care of yourself. But to take care of yourself, you need to know where the gaps are. And the more mentally tough people can be very self-critical of themselves because they wake up in the morning—and I won’t say the rude word on a podcast—but it goes through people’s heads when they look at the next bit of news. But that’s normal.

Nobody is perfect. Nobody is indestructible. We’ve all got something to offer. But there is this mythology that the mentally tough people are bulletproof, and they ain’t.

Everyone Has Limits

You can’t function properly physically or psychologically if you don’t take care of yourself. It can only take a certain amount of hits. And if people are struggling with their mental health, they need advice. But for a mentally tough person, that would be more difficult to think about because they’ve always prided themselves on being a mentally tough person.

On Rediscovering Joy in Performance

Speaker: We do what we do—if we’re athletes or musicians or dancers—we do it because we love it. It’s in our soul. And I think it’s such a shame when as a professional, we get to a point where everything feels tight and held and it becomes suffering.

Remember Why You Started

And just to remind anyone who’s listening to this who is a performer: It can come back to be that absolute, sublime joy that it was when you were a small child, when you began with whatever your passion is. And that’s where we want to be, because life is really short. And particularly life as an athlete is really short. Let’s enjoy it and have fun and be inspired.

On Creativity and Adaptive Thinking

Speaker: It’s very important to make sure there is creativity involved as well in athletes’ lives. And actually, I’m reflecting on a case of a person who got a really bad injury and so was stuck for a long period of time. And actually, having a creative brain allows you to think adaptively, to think outside the box, to think flexibly, and to be open to new opportunities.

On Self-Trust and Potential

Trusting Your Internal Sense

Speaker: And a lot of this comes down to self-trust. One of the other gifts is the vision—what I call the vision—which is the ability to really feel my potential. I have an internal sense of what my potential is in my field. And I can trust that.

We Learn Not to Trust

And we learn not to trust that. We get taught not to trust it because we get taught, “You made a mistake with this, you need to do that, you need to do this better,” rather than knowing: If this is flowing through me, if I just put in the right amount of practice in the right way, it will come out the way I want it to come out.

Deep Trust Reduces Fear

And I can develop this deep sense of trust in myself. And therefore I’m able to—any performance has this high level of uncertainty to it. So if I have this deep sense of trust in myself, therefore I can connect deeply into myself, and that uncertainty doesn’t seem scary any longer.

On Trauma and the Subcortex

Speaker: The subcortex is where the fast processing occurs. Eleven million bits of information processing—that is really, really fast. And the subcortex is also where trauma is locked and stored with its original charge, intensity, and with the age of when the trauma happened.

Why Adults Feel Like Children

That’s why adults as well, at times, they feel like that child who got hurt, injured, neglected, abused, or criticized. Although they might be great in terms of how they conduct their adult life, that feeling, that fear, the shame, or that sense of inadequacy might have a very profound impact—the age of when the trauma happened.

Perfectionism as Control

So the tendency of being perfectionistic, obviously, is the need to control, right? Because you have to compensate for that inadequacy. And through brainspotting, you assess that part of the brain—the fast-processing part of the brain, which is the subcortex, which is also where the trauma is held. So that’s why it’s great for performance.

On Understanding Motivation

It’s Not Linear

Speaker: It’s easy to see people’s behaviors through a motivational lens. And I think that’s because we oversimplify what motivation is, and we sometimes see it as entirely controllable. Whereas motivation really requires a cognitive and an affective response to a situation, normally a pressurized situation.

Action Can Come First

I think it’s easy for us to have this misconception that motivation comes first and then action comes as a result of that motivation, because that’s how we understand motivation. But it’s a much more complicated cycle than that. And realistically what we do is we respond to things, and then based on how we feel from that response, that changes our motivation to engage in those things again.

Don’t Wait for Motivation

And we kind of go through these cycles rather than this “motivation leads to action” sort of really simple approach to things. And for that exact reason, I’ll always tell people that if you kind of want to do something but you’re struggling for motivation, just ask yourself: “Am I falling into this trap of thinking that action can’t happen first? Thinking that always there has to be motivation first?”

Sometimes you can have an action as a response, and then the motivation will follow.

On Learning from Mistakes

Speaker: I’ve learned that by doing things, I don’t carry any regret. And to that mental toughness point, it is the mistakes you make that help you learn and become mentally tougher, because that experience helps you to deal with the next event.

Success Is Not Linear

Life is not perfect. Success is not linear. There are a number of bumps along the way, obstacles. But every successful person I know has found a way to deal with those obstacles. And that’s the differentiator.

Summary: Collective Wisdom on Mental Toughness

On Self-Talk and Internal Narrative:

• You’re the thinker, not the thought—you can influence your thinking
• Create an empowering story, not a limiting one
• Self-development requires intentionality and hard work

On Authenticity:

• Being true to yourself is non-negotiable
• Don’t adapt yourself to fit environments that don’t align with you
• It doesn’t matter if shallow-minded people don’t like you
• Authenticity is more important than approval

On The Discouragement Club:

• Quit if you’re in it, never join if you’re not
• Stay away from naysayers
• Everyone is brilliant and has already proven it
• Your circumstances don’t define your potential

On Building Support:

• Create a “board of directors”—real or imaginary
• Rocky Balboa, Plato, Steve Redgrave—whoever inspires you
• Reach out boldly to people whose journey you admire
• The response will surprise you—people want to help
• Bravery can be weakness if it means doing everything alone

On Self-Awareness:

• Mental toughness exists on a spectrum with sensitivity
• Most people are in the middle
• Understand what causes you to hold back or push forward
• If you’re not self-aware, you can’t change
• Know where your time goes—including time on yourself

On Balance:

• Helpful traits (obsessiveness, aggression) can bubble over into harm
• Watch for distress in personal life and relationships
• Recognize when you need professional help
• Mental toughness doesn’t mean bulletproof
• Even the mentally tough have limits

On Focus:

• Multitasking is a myth—we’re designed to unitask
• Choose ONE thing and give it full attention
• Dream big, act small
• Put other ideas in the “waiting room”
• Focus on process, not outcome

On Being Present:

• Don’t get stuck in past or future
• Being present is a feeling, not just cognitive
• When you’re feeling the moment, you can’t not be present
• Enjoy the journey—life and athletic careers are short

On Fear:

• Fear = False Evidence Appearing Real
• Use fear as fuel, not a barrier
• Recognize it, embrace it, harness it
• Don’t let media and negative voices consume you

On Vulnerability:

• Vulnerability is an asset, not a weakness
• Know your psychological trigger points like you know physical ones
• Question overly critical self-talk
• Practice self-compassion
• Everyone struggles—even those who intimidate you

On Creativity and Trust:

• Creativity enables adaptive thinking
• Trust your internal sense of potential
• We’re taught NOT to trust ourselves—unlearn that
• Deep self-trust makes uncertainty less scary
• Rediscover the joy that brought you to your passion

On Trauma and Performance:

• The subcortex holds trauma with original intensity
• Adults can feel like the child who was hurt
• Perfectionism is often compensating for inadequacy
• Brainspotting can help process stored trauma
• Understanding this improves performance

On Motivation:

• Motivation isn’t linear or entirely controllable
• It requires both cognitive and affective responses
• Action can come before motivation
• It’s a cycle: action → feeling → motivation → action
• Don’t wait for motivation—start and it will follow

On Learning:

• Mistakes build mental toughness
• Experience helps you handle the next event
• Success is not linear—there will be obstacles
• Every successful person has learned to deal with setbacks
• That’s the differentiator

The Big Picture:

Mental toughness is not about being invincible or emotionless. It’s about:

• Knowing and being yourself authentically
• Building support systems (real and imaginary)
• Being self-aware of your patterns and triggers
• Focusing deeply on what matters most
• Staying present in the moment
• Using fear as fuel
• Embracing vulnerability as strength
• Trusting yourself and your potential
• Understanding that motivation follows action
• Learning from every mistake and obstacle

And above all, remembering that you’re human, you’re brilliant, and you’ve already proven what you’re capable of. Now it’s just about rediscovering that and moving forward—one foot in front of the other.

For more episodes of Demystifying Mental Toughness, visit our podcast page.