How to Help Emotional Football Players Stay in Control

Welcome back to our third X-FACTOR email where we look to help the footballer who struggles with his or her emotions on the football or soccer pitch. 

When we think about anger on the football pitch we may of these types of responses:

• Cursing and swearing.
• Kicking water bottles or other things lying around.
• Arguing with officials or the opposition.
• Fighting with opponents or even team-mates.
• Reckless tackles.
• Arguments with coaches and spectators.

Often these behaviours happen as a result of:

• Not being able to handle nerves.
• Fear of the unknown.
• Losing a match.
• Making a mistake and showing yourself up.
• A stroke of bad luck or perceived unfair behaviour from an opponent or referee.
• Intimidation from an opponent.

How well do you deal with angry responses?

It’s very easy as a parent or as a coach to consider the cause of the behaviour but then how we go on to support footballers often could be handled better.

You often see a parent or coach berating a player for bad behaviour similar to what happens to infants, punishing them, often because it dents their own ego or causes them or the club embarrassment. 

I’d question is this approach actually going to help the player moving forward?  Will they learn their lessons and improve the way they deal with these types of situations?  I’m doubtful.

For example, Jonny, a midfielder, is playing football in a semi-final and watches his goalkeeper make a mistake so his team go on to lose the important match.  To Jonny this is huge, it’s his world, he and his team now won’t be in the final.  Jonny goes off the pitch sulking and then kicking water bottles in a rage.  He argues with some of his team-mates and coaches too. 

So the coach gets angry and shouts at Jonny.  His parents get wind of his “bad” behaviour and punish him.  Collectively the club and parents stop him from playing football for 2 weeks and are very critical of him.

The problem with this approach is Jonny now feels ostracised and alone to deal with the issue.  He isn’t shown how to work through this and what would have been a better approach.  By simply being told he shouldn’t have done behaviour A. Or he shouldn’t have done behaviour B.  Or his team-mate Tom didn’t do such a thing, he handled it much better so why can’t you (Jonny) be like Tom.  All this does is wind Jonny up and adds to his already normal critical inner voice.  His self-confidence and self-esteem are harmed as a result.

What would a better approach be?

The coach or parent could firstly look to identify the triggers (the goalkeepers mistake, losing an important match) and acknowledge why Jonny behaved like he did in a calm manner.  Then consider any emotional cues, by showing Jonny some empathy, love and support.  Conversations in a calm manner may take place about Jonny’s expectations of himself and others and factors that are inside  and outside of his control.

By approaching Jonny in this way, Jonny is more likely to learn to face and deal with his emotions better.  He will also likely learn to respect himself and others more, not because he is told too but because he feels supported, truly understands it and has experienced what it feels like personally.

Moving forward yes, he will still likely mistakes, as youngsters do, Jonny won’t be “perfect” however the more compassionate approach will help him learn how to express his emotions in a safer way and slowly he will learn how to do it without anyone’s help.  It won’t happen overnight however with consistent support and reassurance from parents and coaches in this way it is more likely to happen.

Studies show that when human beings are hurt emotionally, our thinking brain can shut down.  So when we cannot think, we cannot learn.

The fact our thinking brain shuts down when we’re hurt emotionally, all Jonny is likely to be doing is recording in his brain the behaviour that is being modelled to him. 

So when the coaches and his parents are trying to help him by criticizing, lecturing, shaming, ridiculing, giving orders, screaming, or threatening all he is doing his recording in his memory bank is bullying behaviour.  He’ll be able to visualise this behaviour easily moving forwards, he’ll likely feel the emotion internally, hear the sound and tone of the voice and so on…  Not the behaviours that he needs to rediscover such as: Calmly speaking to his team-mates or coaches or shaking hands with his opponents at the end of match.

It’s a tough job being a coach and a parent, often our behaviour comes from what we were taught and what we modelled growing up.  The phrase “or else” for one is bandied around a lot.  From Jonny’s viewpoint all he sees is a big person standing in front of, who he is told he “must” respect yet he is being spoken too in an intimating way.  For Jonny this person is bigger and stronger and this can be frightening. 

I sincerely hope that you’ve enjoyed reading this week’s X-FACTOR article, it’s challenged your thinking, and it’s helped you consider your approach and reasons for why you react the way you do.